I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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