i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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