The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
