saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
