Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
