I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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