I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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