I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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