I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
