you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
