they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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