I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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