i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
