I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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