My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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