i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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