yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
