fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
