"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
