i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
