Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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