I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
