Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
