Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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