Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Randomize
