im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're like the curious george of whores
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
