you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
