I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
