I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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