The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
