i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
