so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
