I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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