i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My liver just broke up with me...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
