I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
