you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
