Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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