Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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