I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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