Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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