when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
