I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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