when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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