She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
