I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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