my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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