If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
