Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
