i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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