Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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