you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
