had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
