you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
