I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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