How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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