i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
