I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
