So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
