and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
