My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
